So you’re gonna be on television
So you’re gonna be on television;
congratulations, or my condolences as the case may be. Right now, I’m
sure you are elated or dejected, and unsure of what to say. You are
worried because you have heard that old saw: it’s not what you say
it’s how you say it. People want you to believe that your message
is more important than the words used to convey it. This, of course,
is bullshit—a huge steaming pile.
This is your big break! Camera crews
from all over the country are right there in your front yard where,
not an hour before, an F5 tornado swept your home and all your
belongings into the next county. This could be your only chance to
get your mug seen on millions of television sets across the country.
Don’t screw it up.
You have to decide what to say that
will make you so enagging the audience won’t be able to get enough.
You don’t have much time, and since you can never be sure when
television crews are going to show-up, here are a few tips that along
with your inbred charisma can help turn you into the next John Wayne
Bobbitt.
One word: literally.
Use this word as often as possible. The
viewing public can’t get enough of the word literally; they’re
literally crawling all over each other to hear it. Some busybodies
will try and tell you that you can’t have a literal unless you can
have a figurative. Pay no attention to them. What do they know? Have
they ever been on national television? I think not. The word
literally has no meaning. Its only real purpose is to emphasize the
word it precedes–literally. How about an example?
“He stood there, looked me in the eye
just like I’m looking at you and lied to me; he literally lied to
me.”–Dallas Morning News
See how use of the word, literally,
makes the word, lied, just jump off the page? Take a look at this
quote without the word, literally.
“He stood there, looked me in the eye
just like I’m looking at you and lied to me; he to me.”
See how weak it is now? I have no idea
what she is talking about.
Now this quote came from a rank
amateur. A real pro would have used at least two more literallys.
Re-write this quote and stick in as many literallys as you can—the
more the better. You can never sound too intelligent.
Stay away from the dictionary.
Dictionaries are only good for
spelling-bee champs; you don’t wanna be a spelling-bee champ—if you
did you would have finished school instead of moving in with your
second cousin and starting a family. Besides, dictionaries will only
confuse you by defining big words, like polyglot, using other big
words, like nomenclatures. You don’t have time for that. Education
can wait until you’re famous.
Repetition, repitition, repetition.
Television audiences love repetition.
Repitition will help get your message across and make you look like
the Carson Daly of natural disaters. Repitition helps audiences
remember you and what you are saying. Repitition helps audiences
understand, why do you think Seinfeld is still in re-runs. It takes
some people a few years to get a Seinfeld punchline.
Umm, like, you know. You my dog.
Use slang—lots of it. The average
television viewer likes to think that he could be on television too.
He will identify with you more if you come off as a regular guy. So
keep your ears open to the popular slang of today and get in the
habit of using it as much as possible. A rule of thumb for how much
slang to use: if the reporter understands you, the viewers won’t.
So keep it real biotch. Casper out!